A New, But Old Identity.

Well, this certainly took longer to write than I anticipated.

How are y’all doing?

I don’t know about you all, but quarantine has been weird for me. Being home 98% of the time, only going out for necessities or a walk around the neighborhood (surprisingly the best place I can continue to social distance without driving more than 45 minutes away), has made things trickier than I could imagine in my head.

I hope you all know that if you are feeling anxious or isolated or even depressed, that that’s ok. I don’t know much, but I do know from my own experience that acknowledging our feelings/emotions and knowing it’s okay to feel whatever we’re feeling is a huge step in overcoming emotional obstacles.

I am sorry this one took me so long, but life happens and I had to deal with the previously mentioned ’emotional obstacles’ of sharing some of what I am about to share with you. I intend to be more frequent about these blog entries, but I am stubborn and I was determined that the subject of my byline would be the second entry.

There’s several reasons why.

First and foremost, I intend to use, on this blog, my skills as a (former) journalist to bring you some journalist-quality content. I have ideas and I am starting to put some wheels in motion.

And because of that I want anyone reading this blog to know that there is a real person behind the articles or entries here. That there’s no bot or analytic generating computer writing words that may or may not have a more sinister agenda. We live in a time where the truth is constantly under attack and I hurt for all the hard working journalists working to inform us of the things happening in our world.

I am a real person, living in West Virginia and writing words as I contemplate the world around me and my personal place in it.

And I am sharing all of that here with you.

And that leads me to the using of my name BillyBen here. It’s not a name I have been confident enough to use in my adult life. Just so I am clear, like, the entirety of my adult life.

It’s a name I began (purposefully) phasing out since mid-high school and full on abandoned in college and really never looked back.

And so for those who grew up with me and who looked over me all those years ago, BillyBen is who I’ve always been.

But, for anyone who has met me post-high-school. Well its simply a name I have not spoken in public.

And the reason I’m using it now? This is my space after all, where I am publishing 100% of myself for you all to read. I’m sorry about that.

But most of all it’s because I miss it because I miss my dad. I’m entering my 10th year with him being gone and I’ve missed that guy every day.

In his passing, I discovered we never stop grieving. It’s just I can hide it better some days than others. And on the most random days it hits me hard that he is not around.

But I am also certain that if it was socially normal, BillyBen would have been the name on my birth certificate.

“I had that name picked out in high school” he told me on numerous occasions.

And it’s not just a name he called me sometimes. It was the only name he called me. Even when he was disappointed in me, it was what he used to let me know that he still loved me.

But having trouble in school with being bullied and I didn’t want to give anyone more ammo than they already had, I began to quiet the use of BillyBen. My last name didn’t help either, but anything that gave me more credibility in being accepted, I tried to use to my advantage.

I began insisting people call me “Bill.”

My father’s worst nightmare.

He was also Bill. And as he told me, countless others.

Why be a Bill, when he gave me the gift of BillyBen?

And it’s not a name I go by very regularly, because I guarded it. But, as I continue to learn more about myself: through meditation, through counseling, through reading and listening to podcasts, it is a name that is more a part of me than it has ever been before.

Being more in control of my fears and anxiety has allowed me to be more comfortable with myself and the events that have lead me here, to this moment where I am writing to you.

I can’t regret anything that has lead me here. I won’t. I’m not regretful of my decision to use my name less. But, I am thankful for the lessons I learned from it.

And now I am ready. This is my Simba moment. Just without all that “one true king stuff” 😂.

For you to know it. For me to use it more. For me to honor my father’s memory.

I still hear him. On a car ride blasting Dire Straits (“Walk of Life” anyone?). In the kitchen of a home in a West Virginia holler:

“When you enter a room and someone yells out “Bill!” 10 guys turn their heads. But when you hear ‘BillyBen…'”

That’s me.

A guy learning to accept more of himself than he has ever been before. Trying to always learn. To live adventurously. A guy who wants to keep his father’s memory alive and try to even compare to a fraction of his legacy.

I’ve stumbled a lot in my life, but I hope I’m up to the task.

And, I’m tired of turning my head and finding out I’m not the Bill their looking for.

I’ll see you all again very soon. Thank you for reading!